Tell me what happiness is all about

For most people, once they met their basic physical needs of food, shelter, and comfort their life becomes about maximizing happiness. Others seek more meaningful ways in order to feel happier. Pursuing and nurturing relationships so they can experience happiness and love with other people. People work and stretch all their efforts for financial independence in order to do more of what they enjoy. Some other people might also assist others to alleviate suffering in their life through volunteering or charity work. The essence of our pursuits is to increase and enhance the physical and emotional pleasure of life. It can be summed up as the pursuit of happiness.

The challenge is that we often get lost or turned around on our path. We become disappointed as people turn out not to be who we thought. So how can you define your own happiness? Happiness could not be really defined. The happiness of one person could mean suffering for the other.

Relationships can somehow become the source of emotional drama, insecurity and heartbreak. Exciting careers lead to disappointment, disillusionment, and burnout. For some people physical challenges or loss of a loved one causes them to completely re-evaluate what is important in life with the time they have.

Having reached almost the half of life, I've still been searching for the key of my own happiness. I lived my early years with tears, with the feeling of being inferior to all. Then years passed by, I started to deeply knew myself, my strengths and weaknesses. My self-confidence has been gained. Then I completely crawled out from my own dark shell.

I hate being born with intense emotions. I am a prisoner of my own self, being ruled by what my emotion is dictating me. People told me I have a strong personality and I truly believe I do. But when I get caught in certain circumstances having in need to consult the heart, the mind never gets the chance to share its opinion. The heart ruled all the time. And so, all the time I got hurt so bad until the point of surrendering my life.

One quotation says, "If you keep doing what you've always done.. You'll always get what you always got." So the proper logic is, "When you want something you've never had.. You've got to do something you've never done."

Looking back at those years of agony, I cant imagine how I was able to survive. But my life is seems like a loop of pains. Agonies keep on haunting me.

Last night I cried my heart out while I was talking with my friend and he told me, " Haaay Abby, why you seems so unfortunate when it comes to LOVE? You have all the good qualities, you have the beauty and the brain.. But why are you so stupid when you're in love?"

Am not stupid, but am just pretending to be blind and numb of everything so I wont get disappointed and feel sorry when things turn out bad. Am trying to cure all, to do everything to get things better even if this could mean my own pain. For me, happiness is what I feel when I stay with people I love and when I see them contented with what I can give them.

Battling over myself...is something I couldn't get to overcome. This may be an endless tug of war between my heart and mind.

Someday, I wish to see myself having this genuine smile on my face being held on by someone who has this lovely smile at me saying, "No one's gonna hurt you again.."